In the UK alone, there are many thousands of people who save the British Government a fortune by selflessly caring 24/7 for a loved one. For many there is no respite and many of these carers are children, looking after a beloved parent. These carers are sometimes recognised by organisations developed to help young people whose parent(s) are entirely dependent on them to function on a daily basis, by offering alternative support affording the youngster free time to be young, meet friends or join youth organisations tailored for themselves and their contemporaries. Many more carers are spouses caring for a partner on a daily basis, ensuring that there is no opportunity to work full-time and bring in a decent income. For many of these couples, life is the daily grind of limited routine and dependence on the state for a basic income.
Marriage, Partnership and Disability
After a long and contented enough marriage, disability comes as a great shock to a family, especially when there are still children at home whose needs have to be met. Where the disability is a mental health issue, the problems can become manifold. Challenging behaviour can rock the most stable of families, especially when the disabled person is a parent. No longer are there two parents in the home making decisions regarding their offspring. Often this parent becomes another child, competing with the family's offspring for attention and succour. When the problems are both mental and physical, life can become unbearable for the parent who is trying to hold life together for everyone.
Disability Due to Military Service
Disabilities manifesting during or after military service are the greatest loss to a formerly loving and successful family. The strong soldier, airman or sailor that the wife adored and the family were proud of eventually is forced to leave the service or civilian employment, if disability manifests after serving time in the forces. He feels that his life has been cut short, that he has nothing to offer, has to survive on medication for mental and physical ailments that would otherwise make his life unbearable. He has to defeat his demons during the night and try and portray a semblance of normality for his family during the day. Often, he will fail, requiring hospitalisation, which actually gives his family a break. For a short time, they can live "normal" lives.
Upon Discharge from Hospital
This is when the real test of endurance begins, especially for the wife or partner - the carer. She will quickly realise the vulnerability of her partner. Children will be advised not to place too many demands on their father, therefore ensuring that the burden of care of everyone is now on mother's shoulders. Children will be sent from a room if a suffering loved one becomes too vocal or agitated, causing tension and grievance to the whole family. The carer will observe the person she fell in love with metamorphose into a whole different being. This is when the strain of the relationship is put to the test. She will continue to love and help her husband/partner because of the precious memories of younger, happier times and puts all her hope and expectations on the return of the person that she loved so much. This could go on for years, as the veteran gradually accepts his limitations, or his belief that life holds nothing else for him.
How Long are the Years
How many years can one woman cope with this? If she has great determination, she will carve a life for herself whilst caring for her partner. Much can be achieved through adversity. Programmes of study, usually paid for by government grants, could enhance a carer's lot, as there will be endless opportunities to make new friends and learn new skills. At home, there is still everything to be done, but after the upliftment of "normal" company, the tasks may seem easier. If the children have left home by now, then outside interests are crucial. The carer needs a life too, one that is fulfilled and satisfying and not just dancing attendance to her once hale and hearty partner who, over the years of disability, has changed beyond recognition. At this time of life, she still may want her previous partner to return, yet what can be done to overcome this?
Recognition and Desperation
Depending on the level of disability, two people can come to an agreement about changing each other's lives. At this point, the relationship has deteriorated to silent evenings, where life only continues when visitors come to the house, ensuring the forced amiability of the residents. Both are keen to appear "normal" amongst friends and welcome the change of ambience in their home and in each other when they are not alone. Compassion may have diluted somewhat in both encumbents, but deep down there is still love, stifled by years of pain, caring, hard work, misunderstanding and general weariness. Permanent separation is too drastic a move after many, many years together, bringing up a family, officiating at their graduations, their weddings or the birth of grandchildren. Where the sufferer is not wholly dependent on social or prolonged medical services, and depression has taken its toll, then a break for part of the year may be the answer for both carer and person cared for. Chronic pain, caused by osteo-arthritis wrought by physical injury, can be exacerbated by living in cold, northern climes. Many people find heat soothes and straightens bodies that have been twisted by the cold, due to injuries.
Downsize and Spread Out
Move in two directions. Rent a small apartment in a southern European location like Spain, if the UK is the permanent home. Also move out of the family home into a small house. This is where the carer will live and carry on with a life that she has made for herself and cherishes, in the absence of her partner. He, in the meantime, could spend the coldest months of the year at home, in sunnier climes, his partner joining him periodically for short breaks. This is where our veteran could rediscover himself and enjoy a more pain-free life. He would no longer be wholly dependent on his carer for his every need and would have to try and do more for himself, which would enhance his self-esteem. It is to be hoped that romance might spark up after weeks of absence and that the carer/disability dynamic be reduced. This is, of course, a long shot. Only those with mobility could contemplate such a move, but desperation borne out of necessity makes the idea enticing.
Reality or Dream?
For many, such a scenario is a dream. For many, it could become a reality. Income currently spent keeping one large house could be split into two small residences. Work could become a reality for the person who has spent the best years of her life caring for children and then her partner. Freedom is the prize for both parties. All this takes courage, commitment and understanding from grown-up children. Hope is a powerful carrot.
Doreen Taylor - Conscientious and committed to good writing, I will endeavour to do my best for all my writers. I adore reading and learning new things ...
